Thursday, January 1, 2009

Derailed

I'm derailed. I have a lot to say, but I'm not sure how to get it out. My holidays were quiet, since Mr. J and I aren't really into holidays. We visited my step-daughter's family, visited with my family, spent some time with Mr. J's family.

The past couple weeks have passed in a sort of haze for me. Work has been slow and feels pointless. I enjoyed the snow, which is rare ... both the fact that we had it, and the fact that I enjoyed it.

I have reflections, lots of them; I wanted to talk about how much I've changed this past year; how much I've grown and evolved and adapted emotionally. I wanted to talk about how I spend so much of my time zen-happy and filled with a sense of peace and spirituality. But I can't find the words to describe that.

It's a new year now, and I desperately want to do something to symbolically usher the new year in, but I've got this headache that I've had for a week and a big empty place inside me where all my symbolic spiritual stuff comes from. I feel empty and useless, in ways I cannot describe and don't understand at all.

3 comments:

Recovery Discovery (R) said...

Hugs to you, Jade. Take good care of yourself. The words will come.

Anonymous said...

i dig your christmas corpse poem.
i've always been an outdoorsmen and yes a hunter. (mostly to feed my family)
i've always got a real tree and have been conflicted. So you have inspired me to plant 2 trees for every one I've cut down. 1 evergreen and one fruit tree (to feed the critters) for each one I've cut down.
Still going to "get" a real christmas tree but i'm gonna buy it with the bulb on and plant it when the holidays are over. Going to take the last one I cut down this year and put it in the pond so the little fishes have some more places to hide.

Jade said...

Thanks for the hugs, R. :)

Anon, I think it's great that you're planting trees. My poem was a reflection of my own bitterness towards the holidays, and not intended to be a statement of judgment against those who have live Christmas trees. But I'm glad it inspired you to plant, I hope you carry that on each year. Happy holidays.

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