Journal Prompt: What do you lie about?

My instinct is to say I don't lie about anything. I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow man.

When I was growing up, my mother impressed upon me, in very strong terms, that lying is a cardinal sin and we must never do it. I don't remember the lies I told as a child, but I remember that my mama did not appreciate a liar.

So, I didn't lie. I told the truth always, much to Mom's chagrin - it turns out, sometimes parents might appreciate the occasional lie. 

The doctrine of my church stresses the importance of honesty, and I take that very seriously. To be entrusted with the care of others' feelings, one must practice honesty and transparency. So, I don't lie.

Except when I do. 

How are you? Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. Everything is wonderful!

This is a big one for me. I understand the importance of being honest about my feelings, I do. But I also reserve the right not to spill my guts about every emotion I have. If you know me, you know I spill my guts on a fairly regular basis so it may be hard to imagine that I hold anything in reserve. Believe me, I am protecting you from some of that, some of the time.

In my marriage, we place extra importance on honesty. So I'm learning to say I'm not okay, but I'm not ready to put words to it yet. This is at least the truth, and I can trust Stephen not poke at my bruises.

The last time I visited a therapist was right after Colin died. I saw a very nice woman that my job put me in touch with. She had no idea how to counsel a person who had experienced traumatic death, and that became painfully obvious right away.

After expressing an inappropriate amount of shock and bother about the manner of Colin's death, she asked me how I was processing my experience, and I spent 40 minutes tell her about all the things I was doing: I started my day off with an hour of yoga and meditation; I had developed a morning routine of self-affirmation, journaling, and a healthy breakfast. I spent my afternoons writing and reading and drawing. Evenings were for quiet reflection, more journaling, and some stretching before an early bedtime so I could get plenty of restorative sleep. I told her all about my plans to get a cat, go to college, and change jobs. She proclaimed me her healthiest patient on record and told me to call her if anything changed.

The only part that was remotely true was that I did have plans to get a cat. Every other bit of it was false. I spent my days drinking, crying, and throwing up but I wasn't going to tell her that. I didn't get anything out of that therapy experience - because I lied.

I have a better relationship with my own emotions these days. I still cry or vomit when my body demands it, but I don't drink any longer and I rarely create such extravagant falsehood around how great I am doing.

So, how am I doing? Well ... the 20 year anniversary of Colin's death is 14 days away and I'm not okay. I will be okay, but for today I am giving myself permission to not feel great.

On this day: Baptism

Eight years ago I was baptised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The missionaries in my ward remembered that today is my baptism anniversary and dropped off these lovely flowers to recognize that. 

These are the things I know to be true:

I am a child of God. Knowing this inspires me to love myself and honour that celestial part of me. 

You- my reader, friend, beloved human, random stranger- are a child of God. This means that I am also inspired to love you; to honour your spirit, your divine nature, your beauty. This is true whether or not you are a member of my church.

My life is better now that I am a member of this church. I am still imperfect, a flawed and awkward work in progress. I cannot claim to be better, only that my life is improved. I am a happier, kinder, gentler version of myself. I am still rebellious, still working through my own stuff. But I'm happier doing it, and content with the questions that still loom large in my mind. 

I believe that other’s lives can become better through discipleship to Christ. As I have found happiness here, I believe that you can too. And if you want to know more, to learn about the church and why I love it, I will happily talk my face off about it. 

I believe that it’s important to respect each person’s will and desire. For me, that means if you don't want to hear about the church and why I love it, I will happily talk my face off about what you love, and what makes your life better.

I am grateful to know these truths; grateful for the knowledge that we -member and not-member- are in this life together and that despite differences in belief or faith we are truly connected to one another.

And because of that, I owe others grace, dignity, and equality. If I do nothing else in this life, I wish to be someone others can look to for love, friendship, and safety. 

Death dreams

I have this dream where I'm going about my daily life, and I encounter Colin. Where always changes - sometimes I will run into him at the grocery story and we'll have that awkward moment where I expect him to be dead and he wants to talk about what I've been up to. Sometimes I'll look out a window and he'll be standing there watching me. Sometimes he will walk right into my house and my life and want to pick up where we left off. 

He's always so casual- thumbs hooked in pockets, just-saw-you-there-and-wanted-to-get-coffee vibing at me. I am always in turmoil. My vibe is very much 'where the hell have you been?' And, 'how are you not dead? Did you die and come back, or have you been not-dead all these years?' Also, 'if you've been not-dead since the beginning you owe me big answers'.

Dream-me is always tempted to go with him. I have been mourning this man in some way or another for my entire adult life and there was a time when the idea of having him back alive consumed my every thought. I can remember what that feels like in the pit of my stomach, as though it was yesterday and not nearly two decades ago.

I wake from these dreams confused and relieved. I have built a whole new life around the Colin-shaped void in my soul. I reserve some space there for him, for my experiences and my love for him; there will always be room for Colin there. The space where he sits is sacred, but the space around him has gotten smaller over the years. I've filled it up with my first 'mom' experience raising an almost-daughter; with Stephen's children; with grandchildren and nieces and nephews and a daughter-in-law who is my best friend and with Jesus.

These dreams leave me feeling like I've betrayed him, because my body remembers the trauma of losing him. I can feel that in my bones. And my bones spent a long time wanting him back, wanting him alive again no matter the cost (as if there was anything I could pay - if it were possible, I would have done it).

But my bones are also relieved - for the family I have now, for the happiness I've managed to pull around myself. I'll always hold space for Colin. But he has to share it.

Book report: July

I read or listened to nine books in July. 

Favourites:

Book: The New Jim Crow

Author: Michelle Alexander

Dates read: June 24-July 3

Rating: 5 stars

Review/synopsis: This is a non-fiction work about systemic racism in America as it relates to mass incarceration of African Americans. Ms. Alexander presents information about how political rhetoric shapes society's mindset and allows us to create and reinforce laws that are administered un-equally between Black and White Americans.

Book: On the Come Up

Author: Angie Thomas

Dates read: July 3-4

Rating: 5 stars

Review/synopsis: This is a work of fiction about a young Black trying to make her way - in life, in music, and as a Black American in a world that wants to push her toward its own expectations.

Book: An Unkindness of Magicians

Author: Kat Howard

Dates read: July17-19

Rating: 4 stars

Review/synopsis: Magicians are real, and their world is run quite differently from ours. As various families vie for power and control we learn of a dark history upon which their society is built.

All three of these books gave me a bit of a 'book hangover' and left me wanting more.

Reader friends: share your favourites! I've been doing read-a-longs with friends and I'm *always* on the hunt for my next favourite book.

Journal Prompt: Daily Routine

My routine

I've been working from home for several years now, so the viral outbreak and consequent quarantine haven't really interrupted my life much- except that I did go from having about 3 free evenings each month to now having all the free evenings. That has been nice. I have been fortunate in that there was no interruption to my paycheck. I am feeling very grateful for that.

When I first started working from home, I had a routine: I got up at my regular time, took a shower and dressed for the day, and arrived at my home office at the normal time. My job had gone from high-stress to zero stress.

Something I have learned about me is that I need at least a little stress to function. If I'm not under some sort of deadline or looming crisis, I don't get quite as much done. Having no career-related stress meant that within a very short amount of time I abandoned the routine.

And now, 7 years on, I have no routine at all. Between morning time and go-to-bed time, my life is mostly ruled by my work calendar (and of course, I've worked myself back up to having some stress related to my job,

If I actually had a routine, it would look like this:

• I would make my bed every morning. Do any of you do this? I'm so in the habit of rolling out of bed and bolting for my office in the morning before my brain is even engaged. How do I change this?
• Breakfast, vitamins, water. My day starts with Rockstar. Energy drink, not e-string guitar. I feel like I would do much better with a healthy breakfast. By the time I remember this each day, I'm three meetings in and consuming my second energy drink.
• Exercise. A couple years ago I was working out with a personal trainer. My dad had just died, I had braces on my teeth, and I was working out regularly which meant I was very close to my target weight. Thanks to COVID I rotate between day-time PJs and night-time PJs and eat like I'm on vacation.

I know there's more that would help me but I feel like if I could add these few things to my daily routine I would be happier.

For those of you who have a routine, please please please share with me. I need help, and motivation. What do you do that works? How have you changed your habits?