Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Save me from this God

I dreamed I met God last night. Not the god I truly believe in, but a different god ... a sentient, male, all seeing, all knowing, powerful god.

He told me things that frightened me. He told me that I was on the right path in life, that I was doing what He planned for me and that he was pleased with me. He told me that I would always struggle though, that I would feel pain and torment even as I did the "right" thing. He confirmed my worst fear, that just as I settled into what I thought was my forever life -leaving that other painful, pain-filled life behind- I would have it shattered before me.

That was my doom: to experience emotional pain of such a severe degree that I thought it would kill me, only to come out better. I'd use the skills I'd learned in the getting better to make a newer, happier life with a loving partner and fulfilling hobbies, and then something would break it all open again. My partner would be taken from me, my happiness destroyed. And then I'd start all over.

My reward for all this is that each time the happiness would get happier. The partner would be more loving and the life more fulfilling -before it was ruined.

In the dream I was at the ocean; that's where I had to go to meet God. He was so large, a big shining ball of bright, and I had these fabulous Jackie O. sunglasses on. His voice breezed through my head, a soft whisper telling me of my horrible life ahead. It was powerful, that soft voice. It filled my insides up, like I had been puffed up with air, and that voice made me want to fall down on my knees and cry all my tears into the sea until I had none left.

I rejected the concept of a sentient, creator-god many years ago. I don't accept an omnipotent god, a god who loves me and has a plan for me, a god who is self-aware and knows just what will happen for us all. Even so, I woke with that filled-up feeling and that awful whispering voice in my head.

1 comment:

Misery Marketing said...

now Im terrified. I used to hear the metaphor about the sword who gets put in the fire and beat the most is the strongest and therefore the most happy in the end because it doesnt break when it counts. I like that when Ive come out of pain but i hate it when Im scared of the pain. Anyway I would just say that its way more likely that you have a fear related to a past experience rather than God telling you that this is His plan. But I could be wrong.

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