Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I looked back, and wasn't happy with what I saw

Looking back on this past year and taking stock of everything, there is one thing I am really not happy with: my lack of progression in yoga and meditation. It has been a busy year fraught with changes and instability; and even though the changes (and the instability) are things I pursued, truly things that are better for my life, I forgot to take stock of them when they were happening. That's the time when I most need something to ground me; I forgot to pay attention to my right now, and before I knew it a year had passed and my right now turned into back then.

I have been practising yoga for over ten years, but remain a beginner. I don’t have all the poses memorised, and I cannot move fluidly from one to the next; I often go months without any practise despite feeling horrible and flabby and out of shape and knowing all I have to do to feel better is exercise. I have lost all my fabulous flexibility and it is evident to me lately that I desperately need to get my balance back –both physical and metaphysical.

I’m phasey, as a rule. Tending toward flightiness, my hobbies and interests take circuitous paths and I don’t always stick with something once I’ve started it. Because I can go for so long with my eye on something else, it is easy for me to get fed up with myself and make huge lists of things I need and want to do, and huge overwhelming statements of commitment that I won’t follow through with, by nature of the fact that I burden myself with too much all at once.

So for today my goals are small, and my commitments are little. I’m baby-stepping my way to a more-fit-me with an easy and fun routine.

I’m using a leg lift variation of the boat pose for abs and legs. I have an annoying and uncomfortable catch in my hips that gets caught every time I lower my legs, but I’m working through that.

As usual, I feel like I’m starting over every time I do this to myself. I am equal parts thoroughly disgusted with me and totally enjoying my right now.

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