I had a really hard time in yoga today. There were many more people than the last few classes I've been to, and I think all the different people and energies really threw me off balance.
Other people make me nervous; I am not good around people and I tend to come off as incredibly bitchy and standoffish because I don't find it natural to be friendly or outgoing. I am reserved and closed-off, and I tend to keep people at arm's length emotionally unless I get to know them well and like them.
I am trying to be less like this in general, and sometimes I do really well. Today was one of the days where I felt bitchy and closed-off. Then I felt guilty for being so stuck up, because it's yoga. We're supposed to be filled with light and happiness and love for the people around us. I did not feel any particular animosity, but what I did feel was an overwhelming desire to turn to everyone and scream at them to stop leaking their emotional energy all over me.
Carie brought her lovely daughter today, and it was good to see her. My step-daughter expressed an interest in joining me next week too, and I'm looking forward to next Saturday and yoga with all my girls.
I was a little disappointed in myself today though. I really, really wanted to have peaceful, zen-relaxing yoga and let go of my negativity. The fact that I felt all negative about other people's energy around me today tells me I really missed the mark. I couldn't focus on my breathing, kept letting my mind wander and my breath got all bound up. I didn't quite get relaxed in closing savasana and I felt distracted throughout the entire class. Maybe it's like what Ajahn Brahm says about meditation, and how there's no such thing as a bad one. Maybe there's no such thing as bad yoga either.