Scattered energy, rancid thoughts

I had so many thoughts today; I was going to vomit out my thoughts here to keep them from strangling me. All day during work I became distracted by blog-thoughts: how I was going to mash my words together, how I was going to get it all out of my head. I was going to make you laugh and cry and love me. I couldn't concentrate on work then, and I can't concentrate on writing now.

I went to the library after work today and picked up the Novel and Short Story Writer's Market for this year. These books used to be categorized under "reference" and were not eligible for check out. Either they have re-classified the book or someone is going to lose a job, because they let me check it out. I also picked up a guide book about writing query and cover letters. I am excited and want to finish a project, but damned if there aren't too many things I need to master before anything is fit for submission.

This is the thing that holds me back: I'm not perfect.

• My dialogue is all crappy.
• My sentence structure is sloppy.
• I don't know when to end paragraphs.
• My writing is too loose.
• My characters are unlovable and cold

Give me something technical to write and I can knock your socks off, roll your eyeballs back in your head in ecstasy, and make you burst out into a cold sweat. But fictional shit between fictional people in a fictional world? I fall flat on my face. So I don't complete anything, never write a thing from beginning to end, have never made any serious attempts to get something published.

I think my lack of exercise is impacting my mood. I think about running and I want to run, but the rain is pouring out of the sky in sheets and my house is so warm and brightly lit and inviting. I cannot bring myself to run out into the wind and rain and cold after I put on my red striped pajamas and big red cozy socks that feel heavenly, like sliding my feet right into the warm carcass of a bunny. So I think about it (which is a step in the right direction at least) and I plan to do it another day and I feel proud that I remembered about the exercise. Enter rationalizing and self-justification and DOUGHNUTS.