Today left me covered in a sticky, oily unhappiness. I felt pulled in so many different directions, and I wanted to give up on all of it. It didn't help that I didn't want to go to work today at all. Once I got there, I didn't want to stop for lunch; didn't want to take my breaks because of all the things I need to do. I didn't want to be concerned that I didn't get all my accounts caught up, and I still have to plan for holiday coverage, and I must deal with several personnel issues before the end of the year, and payroll is due Friday. I didn't want to make the long drive home in the rain. I didn't want to worry about eating dinner, and the timing of our evening plans, and what time I would go to bed so I can get up at a decent hour and get to the office early so I can worry about it all over again.
Once again I feel so negative about everything, but I can't give any good, coherent reason why I am unhappy. I keep thinking (hoping) that moving closer to the office will help alleviate the biggest source of stress in my life. I've also started thinking about my overall stress levels in life. I realized recently that for most of my life, something relatively large would happen every few years. Something that would change my life, something traumatic or important. That has tapered off in the past couple of years, and I feel like my spirit is tensing for something. Like a big, dark, hidden thing is waiting for me and deep down I know it's there. I feel restless waiting for it. I want it to jump out and gobble me up so I can stop fretting over it and get on with the dying part.