I'm imagining you with your hair on fire

I work for a major trucking company in the Portland area. My job is “customer support” and entails a lot of things, namely data processing and minor accounting. Unfortunately among the things I must deal with on a daily basis is interacting with complete morons who don’t know their asses from their elbows, and have all the manners of a barnyard animal. I had an annoying call today, from an annoying woman who spoke in an annoying, breathless tone of voice.

“I need help printing invoices”, she breathes at me. I’m in customer support; I process payments. I don’t provide help printing invoices but I’m a helpful sort so I say, “I’ll be happy to help in any way I can. What are your invoice numbers?” This is a stall tactic on my part; I do possess the ability to verbally troubleshoot a printing problem over the phone, but first I like to identify that the invoices in question are actually those I have access to before spending too much time on the phone.

“I don’t know. Where would I find that?” is her reply.

…

You see, usually when people call me wanting to print invoices it is because they know they have a payment waiting for them to post; or, they can see the payment on the web and just need a paper copy to walk down to accounts receivable. Usually by the time they call me, they have all the necessary information together. What this woman is doing is the equivalent of calling up the bank and wanting to discuss some random transaction on the account, but not being able to give appropriate information in order to identify the transaction. Internal sigh.

I try to unclench my teeth before asking, “do you have information indicating that there are invoices available to you which need printing?”

“Hmmm, I’m not really sure”, she answers.

“I’d like to direct you to the dealer help desk ma’am. Please call …” I begin, only to be interrupted as she tells me that she doesn’t understand why they would be able to help her. She doesn’t have a technical problem, you see, and the help desk only deals with technical problems. I can see her mentally rolling her eyes at me, as though I am the idiot.

“The dealer help desk has tools and resources to assist you with many problems you may be experiencing, ma’am, and they are very helpful over there.” I say, grossly exaggerating both this group’s ability to use the tools at their command and their helpfulness towards anyone who does not bear doughnuts.

“I don’t want to speak to them,” she tells me again. “I got your number from someone who said that you could help me. So, help me!” She ends on a little commanding wheeze.

“From whom did you get my phone number, ma’am? Can you give me that individual’s name?” I ask her, recognizing this tactic. People say this all the time, as though, by mentioning the elusive ‘someone’, I’ll suddenly change my mind about being able to help her.

“WAIT! Wait, here it is,” she yells over me and rattles off an invoice number that isn’t part of my system. I recognize it as a number in another department within the company and explain to her that I cannot access that database.

“What do you mean? I’ve always called you for these types of invoices!” she bellows at me, seeming to forget that moments ago she informed me that someone else directed her to call me. I’m starting to suspect that I’ve got a big fibber on the other end of the line.

“I apologize ma’am, I do not have access to that sequence of invoice numbers. You need to call the help desk for proper assistance, and I’ll be happy to provide you with their number if you’ll let me know when you have a pen handy.” By this point, my voice is even and smooth as silk, a sure sign I’m imagining her with her hair on fire and the pointed end of something rusty up her ass.

She interrupts me again to describe how she’s worked for her dealership for four years and she has always had trouble obtaining invoices from my department. I find this amusing because I’ve worked for the company for nearly twice as long as she has and I've never provided her with these particular invoices and because seconds ago she told me that she has always called me “for these types of invoices”.

Which I think is a very good point and say to her, “So that I understand your situation better, is it that you always call me for these types of invoices or that you always have problems obtaining these invoices? I’m positive that it can’t be both, and I need to know where to direct you so that you receive the customer service that you deserve.” Which is none at all.

Silence from my mouth-breathing friend. A couple beats go by, bringing more silence.

“If there is nothing else I can help you with, please have a nice day,” I say in my same calm voice; I’ve moved on from fire and rusty things and am imagining that I’ve murdered this woman’s puppy and am beating her to death with it when she says “but you haven’t HELPED me at all!”

“I have two numbers you may dial for assistance. One is the aforementioned dealer help desk with which you are unreasonably reluctant to speak; the other is my supervisor, and I’m certain he would be equally happy to assist you. Please let me know when you have a pen handy …”

She agrees to take my supervisor’s number and gives this as a parting shot: “I’m going to suggest that you find a different job. I’m extremely disappointed in your ‘customer service’.”

To which I replied, “I appreciate the suggestion, ma’am. Have a nice day.” Burn in the hot place, cupcake.