Gratitude

Today's gratitude list:

• Road trips. This is making it to my gratitude list a lot, I know. It's sort of a big deal for me. I'm actually known for not loving road trips. I have little patience for extended periods of driving; most road trips end in camping, and my last couple camping trips sort of cured me of ever wanting to do that again. My last road trip, however, was a lot of fun. It didn't end in camping, which helped. This Saturday my mom and I are leaving for Sacramento and I'm really looking forward to it. It turns out, I really love road trips with my mom. She's one of the most fun people I know.
• People who use Facebook for good. Negative posts or interactions frequently make me want to withdraw from Facebook and society in general. I have a few friends who post quotes - quotes from the LDS church leaders, quotes from Buddhism or Eastern philosophy, some just random cleverness. The positive, uplifting posts and conversations that I get to witness or participate in restore a tiny bit of my faith in humanity every time it happens.
• My animals. They bring me so much joy in every-day, little ways. The way my Vicious Beast plays with "his" dainty little kitty really tickles me. Even the lizard, all standoffish and bitey. It doesn't entirely make sense to me why animals make such good companions, or how they can make you feel good even though they don't really DO anything. But I love them.

How about you? What makes you happy with life? Comment here, or take the Facebook challenge going around and tag some friends to play along.

Today I'm thankful for....

• Good friends and double dates
• Reflection
• Having a fresh start every day
• Upcoming road trip with my mama
• Having a supermarket so close

It's my crazy time of year again... when I am uncharacteristically sensitive to everything, when I can't get a handle on my emotions, when everything seems to hit all my triggers. I hate it when I feel this way - when I know that I need to change my attitude or my outlook or my perspective, but I can't see past the blood-red anger:fear:hatred:soulsuckingpain happening inside my head.

I know that it will pass. It always does, and then I can move on to the part where I feel like I have to apologise to everyone I've spoken to during my crazy-time, just in case I've said something horrible.

Bad Day

I had a really bad day yesterday. Nothing came out of my mouth right and my head was full of The Awful.

Do you know about The Awful? It's the monster who sits there and convinces you that you are stupid and worthless and that the people who are most important to you don't really like you. He intercepts all incoming words and mashes them around until they reflect precisely how worthless you are. After he's done wtih that he bangs his big fists inside your head until your brain feels ready to explode.

There are few ways to quiet The Awful, none of them good; but he tricks you into thinking that screaming and crying will shut him up. At the end of it all, when you're feeling drained and tired, The Awful sits- fat and happy; gorged on your bad behaviour and hurt feelings; excessively pleased with himself.

I was hoping today would be better; like any binge, I find myself looking backward in shame. Why did I think those things? How could I have believed they were true? Am I subconsciously preparing to be made to feel bad about myself? Is The Awful a part of me, or is it the Devil himself stomping around in my brain? Maybe it's both, and I'm part-Devil.

Today is not better.

Projects I'm excited about

• Transcribing an audio recording of my husband's grandmother during our family reunion. Grandma is 96 years old, but if you weren't told that you'd never know. She gets around with the aid of one of those walker-scooty-chairs, but she really gets around; her mind is sharp and she's got a great sense of humour. And the love that she radiates... I think she's the template God had for grandmas. During the reunion she spoke about her life, her conversion to the Gospel and joining of the church, and her family. Steve was clever enough to record it, and I'd like to transcribe it and make it available to everyone.
• Going through all 1000+ photographs I took over the last week in Arizona. I didn't get nearly what I wanted; I missed a couple photo ops with the kids and the family we were staying with, but I got quite a few.
• Writing letters to my nieces and nephew. Before Grandma spoke about her life one of the cousins mentioned the importance of our heritage, especially to the younger generation; to know about our families, where we come from, and what life was like before we were born... these things are important to a "sense of self". That really resonated with me, but I'm not raising my own children so I thought I'd focus on my brother-in-law's family. I love his children so much and they are such amazing little people; they have such a wonderful family and we live so far away from each other - I thought some letter-writing might be a nice way to bridge the gap between visits and vacation.
• A secret project I'm working on for one of the missionaries in my area. I'm not ready to talk about this one, but it's going to be awesome.

Arizona

I have so much to say about families, and family reunions. Unfortunately, by the time I have a few quiet moments to record any thoughts, I'm so exhausted that I don't get far before sleep pulls me away...

I am in Arizona for a week at a family reunion on my husband's side - all the descendants from his mother's grandparents, and their posterity. It's really an amazing family and one that I feel so fortunate to be a part of. The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity and I can barely process and record the best parts before the next best parts are happening.

So far my favourite parts are the nieces and nephew and their brilliant energy. I have hundreds of pictures and more words than my brain can coherently generate, but I'll share both when I've had more sleep.