Saturday, June 13, 2009

My broken heart

I was talking to a friend the other day; his wife was upset at him and he was describing her behaviour, how she would come into the room to hand him things but wouldn't speak to him. I told him how that's a trick women do, something to make our husbands aware of our presence and how very mad we are while not speaking, just to build up some tension.

I was thinking about that today while I was getting ready; I remember when Colin and I were first together and I was so very young. I had no idea how to be in a relationship but I did angry martyr really well. And I would do that thing... stomping around the house stony-faced and mad and not saying a word. I remember the first time I really knew that I loved Colin; he said something that hurt my feelings and I did some silent, sullen stomping until he poked me in the arm and said, "I'm not going to play your game. If you have something to say just say it."

I cried today in the shower when I remembered that, cried like I did that first morning when I woke up in a new day and realised he really wasn't here anymore.

Nearly nine years dead and he can still break my heart.


Gin said...

I'm so sorry. It's amazing how memories can just come up out of the blue and sock us right where it hurts isn't it? Memories have a way of finding those unhealed wounds. At the same time though I am grateful for those memories. They are mine and mine alone and they can sometimes help to bridge the gap between me and those I have lost. I hope the memories you find today put a smile on your face.

Misery Marketing said...

I guess memories are tangible things. If they are still there and vivid they still evoke whatever feelings come from that. Scares me to think about feeling death forever. My wife lost her baby's daddy 12 years ago. I bet she still crys sometimes. They were like Sid and Nancy.

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