I need a confessional. With a priest and some Hail Marys. I have sins, badness inside me. Most of the time I am okay with my badness but sometimes... oh, sometimes it just claws up my insides, like a cat trying desperately to cover up its own shit with too little sand, it claws and scratches and tears at the inside of my soul.
I have mean thoughts about people, wish misfortune on people who irritate me in traffic; I do not practice loving-kindness all the time. I take God's name in vain. I have lustful thoughts about my neighbour's wife.
Frustration, like the badness inside me, wells up out of nowhere today. I have no patience, only mean-spirited thoughts. I have even less compassion than normal. I want to cry and pull my hair out of my scalp. I want to grind something fat under my heel until it bursts into a bloody mess.
Only I won't do any of that. Look at how I'm practicing such good self-control.