Sunday, January 27, 2008

Death of the Self

I am seeing a lot about the death and rebirth of the Self, the soul. A lot of people I know or know of are going through a personal transformation, and I've seen a lot of them express knowledge that they will be something and someone different from who they were when they went into that transition.

I am going through my own unnamed emotional evolution right now, and something that terrifies me is that I will not be the same person when it's over. I'm afraid not of change, but of changing. Does that make sense? In all my transformations during the early years of my life, I feel as though the essence of what made me me was the same. I was still the same person inside - the same woman, the same wife, the same daughter. I've carried about me the same me-ness that I always had, simply fattened by foregoing events. The experiences which helped shaped me have simply added to my nature, my personality, my programming, but never did I lose one Self as I became another entirely.

I am not at all comfortable with the concept of changing thus. I've been through a complete death of Self; I went through a shattering change after Colin's death, and I became a truly different person out of necessity. I didn't recognize it for what it was while it occurred and in looking back I don't recognize the girl who went into that transformation. She died with Colin, and I was borne out that experience. It was difficult, and painful, and heart-breaking. But in the end I became who I am today and I'm happy with her; I worked hard to become who I am now and I don't want a total death of this me. I've only been in this skin for a few years and I don't think I can pull another Self over this one.

4 comments:

Aerolin said...

I'd like to share something with you that the Mama showed to me when I was struggling with the idea that I would "lose" the Self I have known for all these years. She told me that during these transitions, it isn't that I'm losing my Self. Instead, I am becoming more of my True Self.

Jade said...

I had not considered that my true Self hadn't emerged. I've been assuming that everything I've been through to this point in my life has helped me become the Self I am now and that I'm done. Honestly, I have viewed all of this has some sort of trial and the reward was that I could stop. Not stop growing, but stop this constant metamorphosis of Self. How silly.

Thank you for sharing this; it seems much less troubling when viewed in this manner. :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Aerolin. And welcome to your 30's! Remember what happened to me when I turned 30??? It's a transition we go through we we leave our "young" 20's and become true adult women. Trust me, you are not done yet - there is much more Jade still evolving and growing!

xoxoRHG

Aerolin said...

Baby, it's not that you're not part of your True Self now. You are. You're just not all of it yet. :)

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