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What is so wrong with emotions and being emotional? I seem to recall you assisting me with this concept a year or so ago now... I've come to recognize my emotions as a major source of my strength. I don't see emotions above intellect nor intellect above emotions anymore, but that's thanks to some serious deprogramming. We're taught that emotions hold little value and that intellect is superior. What is it for you that makes you shut off your emotions in this way and only respond intellectually?
My process of working through situations by responding intellectually versus emotionally isn't an intention to shut off my emotions; rather, it's my attempt to get my emotions under control so that they don't run away from me. It is very easy to be excessively emotional, and to react on purely emotional levels without thought or regard to the stimulus. I believe this contributes to the concept that woman are dismissed as "emotional" and disregarded when they feel or react passionately.
When I was much younger I had a habit, as many young people do, of allowing my emotions to rule me. I didn't examine them, or get to know them; I was not in touch with them. I simply let them take me over and rage inside me. I did not know how to express myself in a constructive manner, and often felt completely overwhelmed by the feelings I had. The overly-emotional, knee-jerk responses I had to events around me was a lot like a thunderstorm, damaging those in its path indiscriminately.
I have made the same recognitions regarding the strength that my emotions give me, but for me the process began with examining them and harnessing their power before letting them go. For me, this was fundamental in overcoming personal trauma and the pain it continued to bring me.
An example of this in practice is some of the interactions between Jeff and me. We have the ability to hurt one another greatly because of our bonds of intimacy and friendship. He can hurt my feelings with disapproving look, can make me feel infinitely stupid with a tone of voice, and can anger me beyond words with the smallest actions. When he asks me what I am doing in a tone of voice that I think is full of scorn I don't hear what are you doing? I hear You stupid bitch. Only a moron would do what you're doing. Why don't you jump off a bridge? The immediate emotional response I have to this perceived sentiment of his is to become caustic and waspish, to guard my hurt feelings and maybe hurt his feelings a little bit in return. This is not healthy expression of emotion, but it comes very naturally to me.
If, however, I stop to consider the situation from a standpoint of logic and intellect, rather than allowing my emotions to completely cloud my judgment, I can realize that of course Jeff doesn't think I'm a moron. By reacting initially with intellect and logic, I give myself the opportunity to drain the negative emotional response off and not give in to it. By keeping my emotions in check, I have the chance to ask him what he means. If I really want to address how his comments make me feel I can simply tell him that how he spoke to me hurt my feelings and give him the chance to explain his intentions. Oftentimes, he's in a crabby mood and I'm picking up on it; by reacting more rationally to him, I can avoid exacerbating a situation that doesn't really need to be a huge problem (cause we like to save our fights up and have really big ones).
Thus keeping my emotions in check in this manner helps us communicate more maturely and far more openly. Jeff is very receptive to calm, rational expressions of emotion or anger, and is willing to accept any responsibility he has in creating an unpleasant situation. When I explode at him, he's not so willing to see my side or see how he contributed to the situation. Not only does this greatly reduce the negativity in our home and our frequency of fights, it allows us to discuss feelings that can often be very, very difficult to discuss. I feel this deepens our bond, and strengthens the foundation on which we have built our relationship.
2 comments:
So glad you clarified - I hadn't intended my earlier comment to come off as accusatory, and I apologize if that was how it sounded.
Difficult question for you to ponder: Do you value and honor yourself, Sweet Jade? At your very core? Not for what you DO, but for who you ARE when you are just BEING?
No apologies necessary, dear. We've known each long enough - you can be just as frank as you need to be. :)
I would say that, yes, I do honour myself. For who I am, my value as a person, my worth as a [gulp] woman ... I continue to struggle with some things. But I'm finding my way.
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