Big deal, December

December is a big deal in my life: birthdays and death days, anniversaries both big and small. Parties and celebrations abound. Of course, Christmas, that amazing and dreadful time of year.

Five years ago on this day, my grandmother died. My mom and I moved away from our hometown when I was 10 years old, so I didn't spend a lot of time around my grandmother after that. I saw her regularly for summer breaks for a few years and a couple times as an adult. We talked on the phone and traded emails sporadically. She helped fund some of my college courses. In the couple years before she died she had been helping me with my genealogy, telling me family stories and filling in a lot of blanks on my ancestry chart.

Despite being estranged from her for much of my life, and not always getting along with her, I find a bit of .... grace? compassion? something like love for the grandma she was to me as an adult.

I am Gramanda (my grandma name) to several kiddos - most of whom are grown. I didn't grow into being a grandma like people who do it the normal way... you know, have your own kids who have their own kids, and then get years of practice being around them and watching them grow up into people. I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be. But thinking about my own grandma, about the cards and pictures and letters she saved, it makes me want to do my best. To leave my family feeling loved, and never having to question whether or not I liked them.

Mostly when I die, I just don't want them to have complicated feelings about me. Sure, they'll remember that I'm a scatter-brain and never finish important projects but I also hope they feel valued as people and know that, while imperfect, I love them with my whole heart.