I really like autumn. It wasn't always my favourite time of year; it was Colin's though, and we were usually at opposite ends of the depression spectrum during the fall. He was at his pinnacle of happiness, and I was at my lowest point emotionally.
A couple years after his death, a funny sort of thing happened inside me. I think it was my third year without him, which marked one year longer than I ever had him. I got some clarity after that anniversary and because of the timing of his death, it was just turning to fall when my emotions were clearing up. It's like waking up from a dream, that sort of emotional clarity; like coming out of a fog and stepping out into bright light that never used to exist. The pain is still there, still inside but it means something different. The clarity itself was small and I don't actually remember what brought it around. But I do distinctly remember going for a walk during a very misty autumn day and feeling as though his energy was everywhere. He loved that time of year, and I loved him. I didn't have him anymore, but I could love something that he had enjoyed. So I did. I went for a walk in the cold and loved every moment of it because I thought he would have done the same if he were alive.
He completely changed how I view life, and love, and relationships. From the moment I met him, he changed my wiring. He continued to change it, in good ways and in bad, even now so many years after leaving his life behind.
Today, the things that make me happy are:
- The coming of autumn
- hot baths with bubbly stuff