Thursday, December 31, 2020

Focus word: Letting Go

This next year's focus will be on letting go

Of expectations on myself and others; of guilt when I don't do things exactly as I think I should; of frustration when I'm reminded again and again of my own imperfections.

In taking stock of 2020 I can't help but feel the way I suspect a lot of folks are feeling: where did my year go? It was at once the longest and the shortest year I've ever experienced. So many things I had planned were derailed by the pandemic- either because I couldn't actually go and do them, or because I was so emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted every minute of every day.

2020 brought few family gatherings; it brought the diagnosis and treatment of endometriosis. My doctor agreed to remove some of my lady bits while treating that, which brings me immense relief.

This year has brought old friends closer, and sent some activities to Zoom that I otherwise would have missed out on. I have read or listened to 129 (and counting) books. I have finished a handful of knit items, most of which have been donated or gifted.

I am not expecting anything remarkable or magical to happen in 2021. I'll take my same hopes and fears into the new year, and the pandemic and everything else will follow right behind me. But the new year always brings a hope for the future and a desire to improve.

And this year, I'm hoping it will bring me a little closure on a few things I can send into the wind.

May it bring you that which you wish to manifest or eradicate from your own lives.

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

After-Christmas

Gratitudes: family visits; music; grandchildren; hugs from my niece and nephew.

My brother-in-law, Chris, and two out of his 3 children visited for a few days after Christmas. We weren't expecting to see them this year due to COVID and all of us being extra cautious. But they didn't want to stay away, and well, we've all been being extra cautious.

We were missing our oldest niece - she's grown now and has a life and a job and responsibilities that kept her home; likewise my sister-in-law, who is like a real honest-to-goodness sister of my heart, wasn't able to join us. But we had a nice visit all the same. It was a quick one but this family knows how to pack a lot of fun and a lot of love into even the shortest of visits.

One of my favourite things about having my brother-in-law visit is when he and Stephen play music together. Chris wrote a song for my oldest granddaughter as his Christmas gift to her, and I don't think anyone in the room wasn't in tears by the end of it.

Everyone has now gone and my house is quiet. I am a solitary person by nature, but I miss them when they've gone. I plan to spend the next several days moping and playing with the things they've forgotten here and drinking all the hot chocolate in the house.

Merry after-Christmas!

Monday, December 28, 2020

Writing goals: fairy tales

I recently wrote a short story, a sort of fairy-tale-ish thing. It's not the normal sort of writing I do, and I was a little nervous about sharing it with my family (you can read about that experiment here). The most lovely GirlGriot suggested that I write more fairy tales, as it's so far out of my comfort zone.

If you know me by now, you'll recognize this as a challenge most exciting- I love doing stuff outside my comfort zone.

So I want to know, my friends: what are your favourite fairy tales? I prefer the dark and morbid to modern-day happy ending stories so of course I dug out my decades-old copy of Grimms Brothers stories. But I don't love fairy tales in general, so I need a bit of help to get started. Give me your most and least favourites!

Regarding that family project: it was an absolute delight to hear what others had written. There are 8 stories written so far, and we went around the room and read them aloud to my father-in-law. There is so much talent and humour in this group and it was precious to see that coming together in such a personal way.


Sunday, December 27, 2020

Disheveled

That is how I’m feeling this year. Every day feels like a crisis, though I can honestly say that I’m not plagued with crises.

I observed several notable days this past month that have left me feeling at odds. My grandmother’s death day anniversary was December 7th; Colin’s birthday on December 16th; and my dad’s death anniversary on December 17th. To varying degrees, I mourn them all so much still and each day of observance has me feeling upside down.

Among these days are birthdays: RHG, one of my oldest and best friends, had a birthday on the 15th; my sweet mother turned 60-I-don’t-know on the 19th (I actually *do* know, I’m just protecting her from a number that surprises both of us). Also on the 7th was a deeply spiritual day for me- that is the anniversary of the day I went through the temple for the very first time.

These back-to-back birth and death days left me feeling a little wrung out. I can handle a heavy emotional observance. I’ve been living in that space for a while now; but I need time to process, to have a lot of feelings and eat a lot of cheesecake about it. So many days with conflicting emotions right in a row means that I did no processing. I ate no cheesecake. I didn’t have long enough with any of these days to stare them in the face and memorize the shape and feel of them.

And now Christmas is right around the corner and I am unprepared emotionally to face that. I struggle with Christmas already, and when you add in all my big feelings about everything else... well, let’s just say the Christmas spirit is struggling to find a gap to slip into.

...

I wrote this several days ago - Christmas is now past, and I am filled with the love of my family. I am looking forward to seeing the backside of this year, and feeling just the smallest bit of hope for the future.

Sunday, December 20, 2020

The Adventure of the Three Bears

My father-in-law is a master storyteller. He used to tell stories to the kids that always started the same way but ended up somewhere different. He would begin "Once upon a time there were three bears. The Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker. And they all sailed out to sea."  And from there he would make up a different story each time.

My daughter has asked everyone in our family if we would write a story for my father-in-law in this same manner. I thought this idea was lovely and couldn't wait to participate. 

Until I actually sat down to write and realized, I am not a good make-believer. Fairy Tale writing or "storytelling" is definitely not my bailiwick. But I love the idea and want to contribute, so here is my attempt at a story...

Once upon a time there were three bears: the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker and they all sailed out to sea.

 They lived in a town called Garibaldi on the Oregon coast. There weren’t many other bears in Garibaldi at this time and everyone in the small town knew everyone else- knew their failures and their hopes and dreams; knew their personal histories and their darkest secrets.

 Well… they knew most of the darkest secrets in town. The Butcher had a secret that no one knew. He had been born to a family of cattle-farming bears that were all expected to work the family business. The Butcher was a very strong bear and a fine butcher, having learnt from a long line of butchers. He was deft with the carving knife and knew to trim each cut of meat and he always knew exactly how to give his customers what they wanted.

Every bear in town had a story to tell about the Butcher and his dexterity with a sharp knife.

 What no one knew, not even the gossipiest of gossipers, was that the Butcher used his sharp-knife skills on more than just cows. Every so often a human would come through town, and never leave. The Butcher harbored a deep and unpleasant need to practice his skills on humans even though this was not allowed by the other bears.

 He eventually grew tired of butchering -cows and people- and wearied of carrying his secret. He was a hunter at heart and wanted to do more with his paws than work in a butcher shop. He wanted to hunt. At the first opportunity, he would be leaving this town behind.

 The Baker, too, had always been a baker. He had never done anything else and craved change. In Garibaldi, there isn’t a lot of tolerance for change and the boring old bears only liked bread made with honey; but the Baker wanted to bake with rye, and diced peppers, and herbes de Provence! Whenever he added a bit of something different to his bread dough the other bears turned up their noses and avoided his shop. Garibaldi was no longer the place for him.

 The Candlestick Maker was a young lady-bear who was most definitely not suited to this vocation. Like the Butcher and the Baker, her family had been making candlesticks for many years. She was pressed into service of the family business but had no passion for it. Her passion was stories- she could often be found in her father’s workshop gazing out the window. She spied the Baker across the way tending a private garden of lavender, basil, rosemary, and tarragon; she watched as a few men straggled through town and she noticed the Butcher pausing as he swept his front stoop to watch the men as they begged at the Baker’s store-front.

 Her imagination took flight as she watched the bears of the town going about. Melted wax pooled on her workbench as she made up stories in her mind and her father shouted at her. “Look at this mess! Stop your lollygagging and spin these candlesticks!”

 The young bear ground her teeth and decided to leave her father’s candle-making shop and sail about the world. She threw off her leather apron and declared herself a candlestick maker no longer. “I’m a Storyteller.” She whispered, and then she left.

 And that is how the Hunter, the Fancy Bread Baker, and the Storyteller all found themselves at the port of Garibaldi, fed up with the town and their expectations.

 The three became friends and spent their journey together. The Hunter had sausages to share; the Fancy Bread Baker had several rosemary and pimento loaves; the Storyteller set out candles from her pack to light their table.

  The Hunter and the Fancy Bread Baker extended a fatherly protection over the Storyteller, and she kept them entertained with stories of delight. They talked of their families, and of the burdens they carried.

 “I don’t like making candlesticks, but Father doesn’t care what I want to do.” The Storyteller told them. “He only cares about the family business.”

 “Who wants to eat the same boring bread, day in and day out?” The Fancy Bread Baker complained. “Where have this town’s taste buds gone?”

 “I kill the humans that come to town.” The Hunter explained. At the shock on the other’s faces, he rushed to explain, “Only the strangers though! I often wanted to kill my customers, but I didn’t!”

 The Baker and the Storyteller stared at him. “J-just don’t kill any more, and don’t kill us, okay?”

The Hunter allowed that as he had no friends beside these two, he would kill no more humans and also refrain from using his knives on them.

     The ship eventually docked at a faraway island port, and the three disembarked. They had very little of their supplies left and decided to stay together for a time. They made their way along the coastline of the island and as night was falling they came upon a village. There was no inn, and anyway the three had no money. They met a nice old bear who pointed them inland and described a small, abandoned cottage that they might find suitable for the night.

 The cottage was in poor repair but the three set about making it comfortable for their first night on land in some time. The next day the three split up to explore the village. They were given food and bed rolls and wheat for flour, in exchange for help around the village.

 The villagers were generous, but very poor. They were kind and shared what they had, but they also lacked in many areas. They welcomed the three strangers to their small village, and shared their woes with the newcomers.

 There were many animals surrounding the village, but the bears of this town had little in the way of hunting skills. They had gardens, but no experience with herbs and no recipes to speak of. The young bears were mischievous and were often left to their own devices while the adults tried their best each day to complete their chores and gather food.

 The Hunter brought his skills with the knife and was able to provide not only meat, but protection for the whole village. The villagers asked many things of the Hunter -because he was such a strong bear, he was often asked to help with repairs around the village. In exchange, the villagers shared their meals with him, and helped him improve the little cottage he and his friends were living in.

 The Baker tended the gardens and taught his recipes to others and baked fancy bread for everyone. The bears of this village loved the clever flavours he blended together and often brought their own ingredients for the Baker to experiment with. The shared their seeds and harvest with him.

 The Storyteller gathered the children each day and taught them to read and write, and tell stories of their own. She taught them about the virtue of contributing to their village and got them thinking about what they wanted to be when they were grown bears.

 And so, accepted by their new friends, the three bears thrived in the village. The Butcher never again turned his knives against a human; the Fancy Bread Baker spent his days baking delicious treats for a community who encouraged his experimentation. And the Storyteller found her niche in raising up a new generation of young storytellers, who could be both productive and whimsical.

 

The End