December stuff

December is filled with anniversaries and remembrance days for me.

 

The 1^st marked my three year anniversary at my job as a full time employee.

On the 7^th I was endowed in the temple. As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints there are a few ordinances we participate in at the temple; endowment is a covenant with God to live my life, and conduct myself, with certain standards in mind at all times. I’m still working on the “at all times” part.

Also on this day in 2017, my grandmother on my mom's side died. She had that terrible flu that went around last year and couldn’t survive it.

The 15th was the birthday of one of my very best friends.

The 16th is the birthday of my first husband, Colin. He would have been 51 this year. I can't imagine what 51 looks like on him.

The 17th marked one year since my dad passed away. I have missed discussing books with him; we talked about so many things- the news and current affairs, our thoughts about life. We would talk about the characters in the books we read as though we knew them in real life. I miss his calm, steadfast demeanor and his unwavering love. I miss last minute Christmas shopping him; darting into the stores for this-or-that and darting right back out. We didn’t need to dally, didn’t actually like “shopping”. After the necessities of Christmas gifts were over, we would go to the yarn store where I *did* like shopping, and Dad would dutifully follow me around suggesting colours and chunkiness (“fat yarn”, he called it) and he would hold my purse so I could put both hands on every single ball of yarn.

After the yarn store we would go out to eat, then to the bookstore. The Christmas shopping would take us about 30-60 minutes. The rest of the day we would chat and browse books.

 

The 19^th was my mom’s birthday; this is her second birthday without Bill and I know that is especially hard for her.

There are other birthdays – my brother in law and his wife, both my husband’s parents, many other friends and family. There are other losses as well.

December also has significant religious meaning for me as well. The birth of the Saviour, which has a depth of meaning for me that I can’t even begin to explain.

I have so much joy and so much loss inside me at this time of year, I feel like I can hardly contain it. As though, if I move too much at once, all the feeling I have will combust and consume me and I am lost as to how to keep it from spilling out.

Merry Christmas, I guess.