Death dreams

I have this dream where I'm going about my daily life, and I encounter Colin. Where always changes - sometimes I will run into him at the grocery story and we'll have that awkward moment where I expect him to be dead and he wants to talk about what I've been up to. Sometimes I'll look out a window and he'll be standing there watching me. Sometimes he will walk right into my house and my life and want to pick up where we left off. 

He's always so casual- thumbs hooked in pockets, just-saw-you-there-and-wanted-to-get-coffee vibing at me. I am always in turmoil. My vibe is very much 'where the hell have you been?' And, 'how are you not dead? Did you die and come back, or have you been not-dead all these years?' Also, 'if you've been not-dead since the beginning you owe me big answers'.

Dream-me is always tempted to go with him. I have been mourning this man in some way or another for my entire adult life and there was a time when the idea of having him back alive consumed my every thought. I can remember what that feels like in the pit of my stomach, as though it was yesterday and not nearly two decades ago.

I wake from these dreams confused and relieved. I have built a whole new life around the Colin-shaped void in my soul. I reserve some space there for him, for my experiences and my love for him; there will always be room for Colin there. The space where he sits is sacred, but the space around him has gotten smaller over the years. I've filled it up with my first 'mom' experience raising an almost-daughter; with Stephen's children; with grandchildren and nieces and nephews and a daughter-in-law who is my best friend and with Jesus.

These dreams leave me feeling like I've betrayed him, because my body remembers the trauma of losing him. I can feel that in my bones. And my bones spent a long time wanting him back, wanting him alive again no matter the cost (as if there was anything I could pay - if it were possible, I would have done it).

But my bones are also relieved - for the family I have now, for the happiness I've managed to pull around myself. I'll always hold space for Colin. But he has to share it.