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Cataloguing a life is hard. I am trying to figure out where all the pieces fit and some of them don't make sense. Some things I don't remember clearly, and some experiences seem to belong to someone else. I frequently feel as if my past belongs to some other girl, especially when I sit down to tell the whole story.
What do you do when you don't know your own life story?
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When I look on the life I have lived so far, the time I've spent on the planet this go-around, pieces of my story feel as though they've been lived by another. Another version of me. This is how it is. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago let alone 10 months ago let alone however-many-years ago because I've grown closer to who it is I truly am. That doesn't make the me from 10 years ago less me, just a different version of me. And it was through living those experiences each piece of the way that led me to the opportunities to become who I am today. And though some of those experiences were painful and difficult, and I may have made poor choices along the way, they are still parts of my story. Know your story, accept it (some times a difficult task which requires letting go of resentment), but don't mistake it for who you are.
You have changed, yes, but you are still you.
I always come back to having such a hard time recognizing the different versions of me. I think you've held my hand through this particular problem before, no? :)
Perhaps :) And I am more than happy to be here to walk with you through this now. What do you have a hard time with exactly when it comes to recognizing different versions of yourself? As long as you are on this planet, you are changing. All of the experiences you have are processed, integrated, assimilated, accommodated, or simply thrown out, but they all impact you, thus changing you in some way, even if in a minute way. Is it so hard to believe that you are not the same person you were a year ago? You can see that, you can feel it. But the you from a year ago isn't any less you than the you that you are today.
And yet everything you have lived and experienced is not who you are. It is not your essence, your true Self. None of those things can truly define you because the essence of you is far greater, far bigger, and much more difficult (if not impossible)to put into language. What you have experienced and lived merely describes 'about you.'
Our lives are stories that we create each minute we live, they can help point us in the direction to find out who we really are if we pay attention, but be careful to not get bogged down by details. ;)
I don't think you can ever remember things exactly how they were. Over time and with age your perspective changes, bits of memory fade altogether, and the way you thought things should have happened change the way you remember actual events. There is no way to go back and put it all together accurately.
When I was in kindergarten I remember there was a big sink in the middle of the bathroom. It was a huge round sink with a bar around the bottom you stepped on to make the water come out. I remember a dozen little girls could stand around that sink and wash their hands. I remember the orange and brown mosaic tile on the floor, and the mirrors on the walls that were too tall to see in. I remember that bathroom like it was yesterday and not 32 years ago. But that doesn't change the fact that when I saw that bathroom a decade ago when I visited the school I realized the sink was so tiny, the tile was pink, and the mirrors were only a few feet off the floor - but I still continue to remember it the way I did when I was five. Even though I saw the same place as an adult, my brain still says the sink is huge and the tile was orange and brown.
It's all about perspective, and neuro-pathways and blah, blah...
I think trying to remember the past can be a fascinating and tedious exercise, and sometimes it's great fun. But like Aerolin said, don't let it define you. Because really, how much of the past matters now? That's up to you.
Interestingly, Alfred Adler suggested that whether you remember things from the past accurately is unimportant - it is your perception of what happened or what things were like that matters more. :)
What an interesting observation. I sometimes get this feeling that I was the real me up until about the age of 20, and then something changed and my body is slowly being taken over by an impostor. I guess at some point I lost part of myself.
I think that through the process of growing and changing, we naturally lose pieces of ourselves whether it's a matter of intentionally letting go of them or not. I know that throughout my journey, I have lost lots of pieces, but they've been pieces I've needed to lost for whatever reason. Some things need to die in order to make room for rebirth and new growth. I also think that, depending on the part of one's self that was lost, it can be retrieved. Recently, I noticed that I had lost a part of myself over the course of the past 9 mos that believed anything was possible. I decided I wanted to get it back and worked to do so. I think some times, we need to lose pieces to experience what it's like when they're gone before we can reclaim them.
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