Changing my Self

Change is good.

Right? I have faced a lot of changes in my life and I've found that change, at least, is something I can always count on. Some of them have been very good, but mostly change starts out badly for me. I have to go through what feels like miles of unpleasantness before I get to the good parts. I learned early on that resisting change only makes the metamorphosis more painful, the results more slow to come. By embracing change I've found within myself the ability to shape the negative aspects into something positive. I own the change, possess it and make it wholly mine, so that it becomes a thing I've chosen versus a thing that has been forced upon me.

I've been experiencing some changes recently that I cannot identify. My normal method when faced with change is to sit with it, stare at it, and cut it open so that I can examine the bloody bits of the change inside and out. I learn it and understand it, and adapt to it. I conform to the change and make it a part of me. But this thing I'm going through doesn't have a face. There is nothing for me to grab hold of, nothing I can poke at. Lately I am staring at changes that I cannot identify, and I'm kicking and screaming because I do. not. want. As this isn't my usual way of dealing with change, the whole process is leaving me a little gooey feeling.

I was speaking with the lovely Aerolin today, and she told me all about the changes she's going through. Listening to her wisdom and her perspective reminded me that I'm doing this all wrong. I've been sitting back with my arms crossed over my chest, pissed off and glaring out at everything, and confused as all hell, but not doing anything to figure it out. I was feeling sort of lost about it all, but talking with her made me realize that I've been approaching it wrong. Well, perhaps "wrong" isn't the best word. I've been making it more difficult, certainly. Self-examination and evaluation has been pretty simple for me for much of my adult life, as I've worked for a very long time on getting in touch with my own head-space. So simple, actually, that I've forgotten how to put effort into it; I've forgotten how to reconnect with my Self.

One of the things that I have forgotten how to put effort into is my spiritual focus. I go through phases every few years where I disconnect from my spiritually. It is at times so deep, so valuable to me, and so incredibly important to my inner balance; at other times, I lose all connection with the Divine. I lose my will to develop my spirituality, forget to care about it. I don't have words to express it, don't devote time or energy or effort to that relationship.

One problem that is a recurring theme in both my mundane life and my spiritual life is acceptance of the Feminine. I have strong Yang energy and am far more comfortable with my own masculine nature. At the same time, I have very dark, very negative, very downward-seeking energy that dominates much of my thinking. I strive for balance, and had been successful in changing my view of the Feminine and what that meant for me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I have lost the progress. I feel like I've started over with my work with the Goddess, and I am no longer connecting with Her. I am no longer feeling any connection with the Father either, and I feel rather adrift.

I don't know where this is all going to take me or where I will end up when it's over but I know this: I will embrace this change. I will hug it and squeeze the breath out of it, and love it from top to bottom.