Disheveled

That is how I’m feeling this year. Every day feels like a crisis, though I can honestly say that I’m not plagued with crises.

I observed several notable days this past month that have left me feeling at odds. My grandmother’s death day anniversary was December 7th; Colin’s birthday on December 16th; and my dad’s death anniversary on December 17th. To varying degrees, I mourn them all so much still and each day of observance has me feeling upside down.

Among these days are birthdays: RHG, one of my oldest and best friends, had a birthday on the 15th; my sweet mother turned 60-I-don’t-know on the 19th (I actually *do* know, I’m just protecting her from a number that surprises both of us). Also on the 7th was a deeply spiritual day for me- that is the anniversary of the day I went through the temple for the very first time.

These back-to-back birth and death days left me feeling a little wrung out. I can handle a heavy emotional observance. I’ve been living in that space for a while now; but I need time to process, to have a lot of feelings and eat a lot of cheesecake about it. So many days with conflicting emotions right in a row means that I did no processing. I ate no cheesecake. I didn’t have long enough with any of these days to stare them in the face and memorize the shape and feel of them.

And now Christmas is right around the corner and I am unprepared emotionally to face that. I struggle with Christmas already, and when you add in all my big feelings about everything else... well, let’s just say the Christmas spirit is struggling to find a gap to slip into.

...

I wrote this several days ago - Christmas is now past, and I am filled with the love of my family. I am looking forward to seeing the backside of this year, and feeling just the smallest bit of hope for the future.